well fuck today, tomorrow i can start anew

i'm sitting around, high on lorazepam.
eating heavenly hash ice-cream. in total binge mode.
i'll regret every mouthful when its gone.
i see this happening but can't stop myself.
stupid fat piggy cow.

my dad ordered me that pink bento box set i wanted so badly.
i love my dad a lot.
i can't wait for it to arrive!
14pc matching set for like $50.

going to make more bracelets today.
any blog readers are entitled to a free ana/mia bracelet.
just email me at harukabaka@gmail.com if you'd like one!

xo

i feel like nothing.

remember those slam books from jr high and high school?
nasty things being passed around ruining reputations..
well someone i know has one of those only its a blog.
i was slammed/trashed for at least six solid paragraphs.
and the worst part is someone is posing as me in the blog comments.
so everyone thinks i'm this awful person, lying and being stupid.
i didn't even know this thing existed until last night.
the words ring through my mind.
it hurts so much, even if it is just a troll.
i can't stop thinking about how many people have read that blog.
how many people who laughed at me or hate me now 'cause of it..

i'm just ripped to pieces and i feel empty and numb.

the beat goes on..

jason's job is going well.
he's starting his second week.
two more weeks until he gets his first pay.
apparently he gets more than min. wage.
we also get a %30 discount on everything.
(we buy our food there so its a big deal.)

i mailed off three bracelets today.
its about $1 to mail to the US and the UK.
not bad. i do them for free so i'm glad its not too much.
six more to make.

jason and i have decided to start a new 'eating' lifestyle.
i'm going to cook entirely japanese cuisine.
all traditional meals, nothing fatty, a very healthy diet.
i'm even ordering a bento box set for each of us.
so i can pack adorable lunches. ^__^

not much else to update on.

xo

memory lane

sometimes i can't help but remember my previous lovers.
there were reasons why we were together.
i can recall each meeting, crisp nights and drama.
i remember how they smelt, how their skin felt under my fingers.
sometimes i close my eyes and i'm there again.
there's so much i miss from my old life.
i was perfect and couldn't see it.. my fucked up self-image.

now i'm just fat. angry and a mood disordered bitch.

i miss feeling special, desired, being flirted with.
i'm double the person i used to be. god i miss her.
i didn't know what i was until i wasn't anymore.
i have to get back there, screaming and trapped in this flesh.
every day spent avoiding my reflection.
finding ways to sink deeper into this fat-filled abyss.

memory, all alone in the moonlight
i can smile at the old days.. i was beautiful then.
i remember the time i knew what happiness was
let the memory live again..
- "memory" from CATS.

i used to be beautiful. the boys wanted me. i was happy.

now i'm nothing.
and nothing rings sharp with loneliness.

FINALLY

jason got himself another job.
at the shopper's drug mart across the street.
looks like it'll be full-time after a little while.
i hope he keeps this one.

still no sign of my disability money..
getting fatter and angrier with every passing day.
trying not to lash out at anyone.
also on my period so i'm really effing moody, lol.

we both got new phones, fun gadgets to play with.
not too bad for a touchscreen/android phone.

xo

man oh man

so the past three days have been absolute hell.

jason decided to quit his job.
so we've got no money coming in at all.
this isn't the first time he's quit an easy job.
frustrates me but who am i to judge?
i quit all my jobs.

hung out with dad and got stoned all day yesterday.
his roommate cooked up an amazing meal.. i picked at it.
too distracted by our shitty situation.

today he got the shittiest paycheck ever..
so we bought some groceries.
now we're broke as fuck and i am going insane.
my calm down pills don't seem to be working.

sometimes i wish i could just fly away and never look back.

the only good thing to happen to me today is i got a new phone.
its a touchscreen so texting is a bitch..
but its pretty fancy, i sorta like it.

xo

what a find!

i went to check the mail and found..
a brand-new fondu kit!
does oil/cheese/chocolate.
everything was factory sealed.
its a 24 piece set.
that's it in the picture. :D

it had a little 'take me' sign.
so i grabbed it and ran upstairs!
i love finding stuff.
doesn't beat the chair we found.

repost from PT

sit down with a mirror, this mirror can be any size.
the bigger the better though.
i want you to read this list (or any positive variations)..
every day before you start your day.

there will be tears, these things are hard to admit to our self-loathing selves.
you probably won't believe a word of it the first few times you read to yourself.

make sure you look yourself in the eyes as much as possible.
until we learn to love ourselves we'll never truly be able to love another.

i am beautiful.
i am struggling.
i am strong.
there will only ever be ONE me.
i will change the world.
i am an individual.
i love you.
i'm worth something.
no one has the right to bring me down.
i will reach my goals.
i will keep striving for perfection.
i am in control.
i will win this battle with many scars and casualties along the way.

I AM RAIN AND I WILL NOT FAIL.

i've started doing this recently.. i don't binge as often or worry as much.
nothing beats self-respect.

love you all. xoxo

inspired

You are beautiful. You are perfect exactly the way you are. You make people smile. You can make it through this. You can stand strong. You inspire us all with your strength in these hard times. Don't change a thing about you. You give all of us hope. You give me hope.

this made me cry pretty hard.