fuck me.

i feel like a bag of shit. i keep looking at old pictures of myself, wondering where that pretty, skinny girl went. how she could possibly have turned into this. i can't believe i let myself go this badly.. i'm so scared to go out in public..

going to dad's today to get some percocet. i have no money for pot so at least they give me a mild buzz to make it through the days. five days til we get money. i hate the week before payday. we're always fucked. one week of happiness, one week of being broke and miserable.

hopefully things will change when i quit pot at the end of the month. we should have hundreds of dollars more each cheque..

how do sober people live? i'll soon learn.

que cera cera

i've been writing a lot more in a tangible diary. it fits into my purse so i just scribble in it when i'm out.

the days are creeping by, haunting me. i hear my watch ticking and it sounds like the world is ending. jason called me crazy. he said he was joking but it kinda hurt. only because i'm starting to feel crazy..

at the end of the month i'm buying a digital scale.

the women's rehab centre whose waiting list i've been on 7 months finally contacted me, i'll be having an appointment with them within the month they said. so i can finally quit smoking pot. i'll go there, then NA meetings, and hit the gym.. i need to fix me because i'm so, so broken.

ah well

we went and watched saw 3D. wasn't bad.
dad of course stuffing his face with theatre food.
me with my bottle of dasani.

now my fiance is ordering a pizza.
the world is out to get me today.

i haven't eaten anything in three days.

i have ten red bracelets to make for people. i'm going to go get some stuff at the dollar store to make the packaging cuter. i like making free bracelets. usually costs me around $15 to make *and* mail 10 bracelets, which isn't bad really.

i like making people smile. everyone loves mail.

happy & sad sigh

i've spend the night pretending i'm someone i'm not. roleplaying on furcadia. it's been years and years since i roleplayed. a nice way to forget about how much i hate myself and my struggles, to pretend to be a beautiful creature in a fantasy world.. its just amazing. i missed it, that's for sure.

haven't eaten anything today. might change soon. i'm going to give the ABC a go tomorrow. i keep trying and failing hard, but this time i'm determined. no matter how lazy i feel i *will* workout tomorrow, i *will* eat 500cals or less. i *will* do this every single day until i emerge from this chrysalis a beautiful, stunning butterfly. i'm tired of being this fat nasty caterpillar.

two more days until payday. fuck i need money. i'm so tired of running out of pot and then popping pills everyday to get a buzz so i can handle my sad, lonely life. i wish i had friends, someone to hang out with. instead its just me and the internet every single day while he works. i'm so lonely.

blehhh grody.

my mouth tastes and smells like a trash bin, lol. should go brush them.

spent half the morning cleaning up the apartment, gotta do the dishes now before jason gets off work. i love our little apartment.

OH! we found a brand new entertainment unit in the trash! not a single scratch on it, great shape. our living room finally looks like a living room. very happy about this.

someone on furcadia is willing to give me a LIFE item for a silly name. a name i made up randomly.. i can't wait to see what item the person will give me. i don't care what it is.. a life item never expires, saves me money!

not much else to say. xxoo

not a bad past few days

been pretty busy the past couple days. my mom's ex husband came by with my stuff from storage. a lot of things I haven't seen in ten years. my gameboy pocket, pocket pikachu, my furby, my gameboy cartridge of pokemon red with all 151 pokemon (gameshark'd the mew).

he gave me some money and invited me to come out to the farm in the spring! his boyfriend owns and runs a big farm. they brought us fresh meat and eggs! how neat! he says if i come in the spring i'll see the lambs being born. its apparently really beautiful.

i went out and got my 3lb hand-weights! they're cute.

all i have to do now is make my bedroom workout central and get crackin'. hopefully my results will be more noticeable after an hour of cardio a day. i'm pumped and ready, hehe.

meh just a day

day one of ABC went smoothly. went for a bunch of walks (to get pot). i went a tad over my 500cals but i think i walked it off. now i'm just watching drama on PT. waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in.

i made a secret, locked online diary to track my progress. it has explicit pictures so i made sure it was password protected. so i can see my progress EVERYWHERE. its nice to have a place to rant at myself, lol.

living off rice is pretty easy.

a bowl a day keeps hunger at bay. 8V

so..

since that post on PT yesterday about the girl who finished ABC.. a ton of people are starting that diet now. i am too, lol. why not~ its not much different from my regime. everyone assumed that it didn't work before because no one could finish. but now.. we're all in boot camp! :D

i'm stoned and enjoying cartoons. you might enjoy this too, it's an episode of american dad. the one where stan develops anorexia. its pretty funny.

here's the direct link to the episode, loads fast. :)
http://www.megavideo.com/?d=AT31ZSPE

xoxo

tired of no structure

STARTING ABC TOMORROW.
FUCK THIS SHIT.

xxoo

whew, over and done

thanksgiving is over now, thank goodness.
i had some white meat, potatoes, corn and a bit of thin gravy.
so i don't think the meal counts as a binge.
considering i had so little.
i was expecting to binge til i passed out, lol.

my grandparents called today.
i talked to my pop for the first time in years.
the conversation ended with us all crying and saying bye.
i HAVE to get back to visit before.. before anything happens to them.
they're quite old. love them a lot.

now i am bored and sober.
just gotta kill time until tomorrow afternoon/evening.
PT here i come.

no river too wide..

.. sing out this song and i will be there by your side!

i spent some time this morning singing, crying, feeling better.
i actually got higher from singing than from hitting the bong.
IS THAT HOW YOU CRAZY SOBER PEOPLE DO IT?
find the kind of high you do not have to pay for.
that is the high i want.
wish i was not addicted to pot.

and right now on tv there is a kid version of True Blood..
no joke. a bunch of little kids, one is a vampire.
even using the same rules that true blood has..
so lame! i do not even know why i am watching it.

have not eaten anything today except for a chocolate bar.
i had to eat it, he went out of his way to get it.
first treat in days and days.

i cannot wait til i can afford my own pair of fangs.
i might get a smith to custom make them for me.
or just order from www.vampfangs.com hehe.

xxoo

i'm the crazy one? ME?

they don't understand and they won't ever
you can talk all you want but words are just words
they don't want us to die, they can't see how its worth it
i'm sure if i wasn't FUCKED in the HEAD i'd agree with them
but alas they seem to be the crazy ones to me
the ones forcing pills down my throat, the ones watching me like a hawk
do you really have to control me this way?
mental disorder, check. physical disorder, check.
is there anything even remotely right with me?
probably not and the thought makes me laugh pretty hard
three meals a day sounds like a death sentence
i want to grab a megaphone and scream from the trees
YOU'RE THE INSANE ONES, EAT, EAT AND EAT
laughing, cackling, fuck you oh sane ones
i know i'm doing what's right
right by me
isn't that what matters?
doesn't what I FEEL matter? no? right, i forgot about that part.
upturned noses, holier than thou, bitch i'd eat if i could
just get fat, honeychile. eat and eat, you'll be one of them
a pig, a consumer whore, asphyxiating from layers of fat
in the end you're nothing anyways.
a bag of fat, a bag of bones, either way you're nasty

don't you just love inner dialogue?

just fuck off for awhile. give me peace, give me silence.
STOP SCREAMING 'STARVE YOU FAT BITCH' i can't take it any longer.

fuck you brain

oh my what a day.

i got up early in anticipation of going to the gym.
after two hours of trying to convince myself it'll all be okay..
i had a mild panic attack, couldn't leave the apartment.
took a handful of diet pills,
now i'm eating laughing cow cheese & beef jerky.

i need $50 to get to go visit my family doctor again.
'cause i canceled appointments and its $25 per canceled appointment.
i don't have $50 damn it and i need a referral to a psychiatrist.
my meds run out in eight months. waiting lists can be that long.
just something else to fret over. i fret a lot.
i hope i don't have to be admitted to a psych ward.
i'm terrified of being alone, sleeping alone, its like a phobia.

i just need to breathe in and out, nice and slow.
i've got a big bag of pot and i'm safe in my apartment.
going to watch a jake gyllenhaal marathon.
i own all of his movies and he gives me chick wood. ;D

hugs and love,
ruka

whining ahead..

i just feel like a big pouting child.
i had applied for a krawk on neopets and didn't even get in the final three.
i've wanted one of these since they came out..
i put so much work into the application.
i can't restock or resell so i can't make much money there.
its like this unattainable dream.
fuck i want one bad.

break me, i'm broken

i'm trapped and i'm fat
fat and trapped
every single inch of me
weighed down with this and that
its hopeless i'm helpless
but i know i'm not
i just want to breathe
i remember what it was like to be perfect
skinny, lusted after, a prize to be won
now? now i'm nothing
i can't concentrate
dizzy i'm dizzy and everything spins
blackouts whiteouts who the fuck cares
i'm dying and it sucks
where did you go little girl?
oh little one who was abused by every creature you met
you're ruined and broken
i'm sorry i couldn't save you
i'm sorry you turned into this monster
god if i could just go back
just for a few minutes

but now i'm falling, falling
an endless abyss of self loathing
choked by my own fear
i want out.

the rain just goes on and on

tucked away in our little apartment
safe from the elements that would surely kill us
i feel this romantic veil shroud my vision
the patter of the rain on the leaves
cars zooming through the water, laughing pedestrians
a surreal yellow-red sky blankets our home
feeling the breeze from my bedroom window
nostrils flaring, inhaling the night
curling up in my bed, a nest of fleece
god is in his heaven and all is right in my world

mmmm eric..

i love watching true blood over and over again.
so exciting, so much fun.
this time around i am in love with eric.
which is unusual-- i am not attracted to blue eyes or blondes.
but he's a beautiful viking. *3*

still eagerly awaiting the depart of summer.
i am going to start hitting the gym on the 1st.
i get my cheap bus pass starting in october.
time to start exercising and restricting even harder.
i have 11 months or so to drop.. an amount i dare not mention.
the number is so high that it makes me sad.

jason gets off work in half an hour.
we're going to eat the rest of the shrooms i keep hoarding.
they are not very strong so we will just have the giggles.
that is just as fun, do not get me wrong.
i just prefer the losing-my-mind sort of high.

oy oy

i got my bento kit! yaaay. :D
can't wait til the end of the month so i can hit the asian market.
lots of food supplies i need for japanese cuisine.
i can't wait to start making cute food. :D
there are still a few things i need to buy off ebay.
sausage/cheese cutters, nori stamps, rubber cups for the food.

jason is working 4-12 tonight.
so i've got eight hours to kill.
i also have a bag of shrooms.. tempting. >83
might gobble them up and watch a psychedelic video.
i wonder how many calories are in them..

the tattoo i got a few months ago is fading already.
the tiny lines are starting to vanish.
pisses me off but what do you expect for the price..
it was a pretty seedy little shop, lol.
should get a pro to fix it up.

i'm bored to death. time to lurk PT.

xxoo

come on wednesday

i'm waiting on my appt with my old social worker.
she's gonna be my guarantor for my community bus pass,
since i don't have any valid ID anymore.
really nice of her to do that.
then I AM MOBILE.
no more sitting in this apartment all day.
alone and bored.

i'm out of lorazepam and its only the 13th.
can't get any more until the 29th.
ffffffsssssss.

i have laundry to do today.
and a ton of dishes.

xxoo

and it has begun..

my disability money came.
starting the end of this month i'll be getting $1070/month.
that's more than my poor fiancee makes working five days a week.
but now i can get the cheap 'community' bus pass.
and hit the gym everyday!
so tired of sitting around like a lump.

we bought groceries. i picked up..
- 35cal yogurts
- dainty rice x4
- bag of oranges
- hamburger meat, steaks, pork chops
- crystal light & sprite zero

my bento kit should arrive in the next two weeks.
very excited. it'll be like christmas.

life is finally starting to get better.
we're not fighting or miserable anymore.
its quite relaxing.

xxoo

well fuck today, tomorrow i can start anew

i'm sitting around, high on lorazepam.
eating heavenly hash ice-cream. in total binge mode.
i'll regret every mouthful when its gone.
i see this happening but can't stop myself.
stupid fat piggy cow.

my dad ordered me that pink bento box set i wanted so badly.
i love my dad a lot.
i can't wait for it to arrive!
14pc matching set for like $50.

going to make more bracelets today.
any blog readers are entitled to a free ana/mia bracelet.
just email me at harukabaka@gmail.com if you'd like one!

xo

i feel like nothing.

remember those slam books from jr high and high school?
nasty things being passed around ruining reputations..
well someone i know has one of those only its a blog.
i was slammed/trashed for at least six solid paragraphs.
and the worst part is someone is posing as me in the blog comments.
so everyone thinks i'm this awful person, lying and being stupid.
i didn't even know this thing existed until last night.
the words ring through my mind.
it hurts so much, even if it is just a troll.
i can't stop thinking about how many people have read that blog.
how many people who laughed at me or hate me now 'cause of it..

i'm just ripped to pieces and i feel empty and numb.

the beat goes on..

jason's job is going well.
he's starting his second week.
two more weeks until he gets his first pay.
apparently he gets more than min. wage.
we also get a %30 discount on everything.
(we buy our food there so its a big deal.)

i mailed off three bracelets today.
its about $1 to mail to the US and the UK.
not bad. i do them for free so i'm glad its not too much.
six more to make.

jason and i have decided to start a new 'eating' lifestyle.
i'm going to cook entirely japanese cuisine.
all traditional meals, nothing fatty, a very healthy diet.
i'm even ordering a bento box set for each of us.
so i can pack adorable lunches. ^__^

not much else to update on.

xo

memory lane

sometimes i can't help but remember my previous lovers.
there were reasons why we were together.
i can recall each meeting, crisp nights and drama.
i remember how they smelt, how their skin felt under my fingers.
sometimes i close my eyes and i'm there again.
there's so much i miss from my old life.
i was perfect and couldn't see it.. my fucked up self-image.

now i'm just fat. angry and a mood disordered bitch.

i miss feeling special, desired, being flirted with.
i'm double the person i used to be. god i miss her.
i didn't know what i was until i wasn't anymore.
i have to get back there, screaming and trapped in this flesh.
every day spent avoiding my reflection.
finding ways to sink deeper into this fat-filled abyss.

memory, all alone in the moonlight
i can smile at the old days.. i was beautiful then.
i remember the time i knew what happiness was
let the memory live again..
- "memory" from CATS.

i used to be beautiful. the boys wanted me. i was happy.

now i'm nothing.
and nothing rings sharp with loneliness.

FINALLY

jason got himself another job.
at the shopper's drug mart across the street.
looks like it'll be full-time after a little while.
i hope he keeps this one.

still no sign of my disability money..
getting fatter and angrier with every passing day.
trying not to lash out at anyone.
also on my period so i'm really effing moody, lol.

we both got new phones, fun gadgets to play with.
not too bad for a touchscreen/android phone.

xo

man oh man

so the past three days have been absolute hell.

jason decided to quit his job.
so we've got no money coming in at all.
this isn't the first time he's quit an easy job.
frustrates me but who am i to judge?
i quit all my jobs.

hung out with dad and got stoned all day yesterday.
his roommate cooked up an amazing meal.. i picked at it.
too distracted by our shitty situation.

today he got the shittiest paycheck ever..
so we bought some groceries.
now we're broke as fuck and i am going insane.
my calm down pills don't seem to be working.

sometimes i wish i could just fly away and never look back.

the only good thing to happen to me today is i got a new phone.
its a touchscreen so texting is a bitch..
but its pretty fancy, i sorta like it.

xo

what a find!

i went to check the mail and found..
a brand-new fondu kit!
does oil/cheese/chocolate.
everything was factory sealed.
its a 24 piece set.
that's it in the picture. :D

it had a little 'take me' sign.
so i grabbed it and ran upstairs!
i love finding stuff.
doesn't beat the chair we found.

repost from PT

sit down with a mirror, this mirror can be any size.
the bigger the better though.
i want you to read this list (or any positive variations)..
every day before you start your day.

there will be tears, these things are hard to admit to our self-loathing selves.
you probably won't believe a word of it the first few times you read to yourself.

make sure you look yourself in the eyes as much as possible.
until we learn to love ourselves we'll never truly be able to love another.

i am beautiful.
i am struggling.
i am strong.
there will only ever be ONE me.
i will change the world.
i am an individual.
i love you.
i'm worth something.
no one has the right to bring me down.
i will reach my goals.
i will keep striving for perfection.
i am in control.
i will win this battle with many scars and casualties along the way.

I AM RAIN AND I WILL NOT FAIL.

i've started doing this recently.. i don't binge as often or worry as much.
nothing beats self-respect.

love you all. xoxo

inspired

You are beautiful. You are perfect exactly the way you are. You make people smile. You can make it through this. You can stand strong. You inspire us all with your strength in these hard times. Don't change a thing about you. You give all of us hope. You give me hope.

this made me cry pretty hard.

i'm so mad

sitting at home, enraged.
jason decided to sneak out to a party while i was napping.
initially i said i didn't want to go but i changed my mind after the nap.
now he's all 'come out! i can direct you!'
fuck that noise.

he didn't care enough to wake me and ask me before he left.
i've never been so mad at him.

bracelet time~*~

all of my supplies from china have arrived.
i'm going to spend the day making bracelets.
i'll post pictures of the finished product later on.

my knee still hurts bad.
no painkillers left so i'm just suffering through.
got my perscrip refilled, thank god.
now i have two weeks worth of my calm down pills.

my friend is coming over later.
she's got some pot and is gonna pick up money from me.
i'll have a carton of 200 native cigarettes for $20 by tomorrow.
another relief.. not having to spend $6 every day.

generic day

i went to the causeway today.
got some job openings to apply to.
all places looking for permanent part-time.
exactly what i want.

jason also landed two shifts a week, every week, at shoppers.
we believe he'll be paid more on these shifts.
he did some shoppers work before, always $12/hr.
just enough hours/money for us to survive.

still waiting on my dragonfly charms so i can make bracelets.
i'll post pictures of them.
any followers of this blog can have a free one. :)

xo

it never ends

jason went to the place he worked seasonally last year.
turns out they weren't hiring next month, they're hiring in september.
so we're once again fucked financially.
mom just sent me $50 so i can get cat food/litter and bus fare.
dad is buying me carton of native cigarettes at the end of the month.

been hanging out with this awesome chick, her name is manon.
she's like my height, my stats, wants to lose weight.
an irl buddy is always cool. though i don't think she has an ed.
just wants motivation and i'm great at that!

going to see my job coordinator tomorrow.
maybe he can find me work until jason gets that seasonal job.
my knee still aches day and night, though.

i wish for a single moment's peace..

arghhh

i'm about ready to just saw my leg off.
this knee pain is driving me batshit crazy.
even doped up on morphine i feel every ache.
feels like a hot poker being slammed into the sides of my knee.
all. the. time. in use or not.

really, really into my dexter books.
they're SO DIFFERENT from the show its mind boggling.
main character dead in the first book that still exists in season 5.
i'm just flying through the books. finishing one in a day or two.

still no beads or charms or anything.
can't wait for it to arrive so i can make you ladies free bracelets.
i'll post examples and stuff when i have my product. :)
you can also donate a buck or two to help the cause.
$2 would cover the beads, thread, charms and clasps.
but i'm not expecting or asking, just saying if you'd like to, you can.

off to bed. the timestamps on these entries are never accurate.
it's nearly 3am, lol.

xo

i suppose a doctor is in order

my knee just won't stop hurting.
it hurts when i'm sleeping, hurts when i'm inactive, hurts always.
i can't keep eating as much ibuprofen as i am.
i'll fuck my liver up hard.
i can't exercise and its driving me mad.
i'll have to make an appointment with my family doctor.

dad said he'd share his morphine with me, though
i'd rather be itchy than in agony.
plus i'd get a couple nice buzzes too.

still nothing from china.
working on a cute little notebook.
going to make it adorable and inspirational.

xo

boring fucking day

didn't do anything today.
waiting for my stuff to arrive from china.
ate food i wish i hadn't.
feeling nauseous and it makes me wanna puke.
i don't puke. this sucks.

i love you crystal light pink lemonade packets.

bitch warning

holeee fuck did i ever have to wait a long time for pot.
i contacted him around 5pm.. its now thirty-past midnight.
my poor fiancee is bussing all over the place to find me some.
(he tends to offer to do things that would INFURIATE me if i had to do them)

i'm out of my calm down pills.
ten days to go without them.

status of our rent: still uncertain
status of eviction: still uncertain

one thing i do know for certain..

I OWN YOU, FOOD. YOU ARE MY BITCH. I AINT EATING FUCK ALL. I WIN.
ahem.

mm delicious

i'm not a tea fan myself but everyone says to drink green tea.
so i found a way to make it taste amazing.

boil the tea as usual, let it steep.
pour it over ice, add more ice.
a few splashes of skim milk. add some honey.
and a capful of sugar free/calorie free vanilla syrup from starbucks.
the huge bottle of syrup was like $15.

sixteen out of twenty of my eBay items were shipped.
i'm getting thousands of beads. half swarovski crystal beads.
i can't wait to open up my eBay bracelet shop.
i'll be making country pride, gay pride, ana/mia, all sorts of bracelets.
all like $2 each.

now i just have to wait for it to all arrive from china.

suck it

i'm going to sit here and get stoned all day.
my knee still aches, come on ibuprofen.
fuck if i didn't have pot i'd go batshit crazy.

jason is working 6pm-12am tonight and tomorrow.
$16/hr and hopefully the last work he'll have with the security job.
they haven't give him shifts in nearly three weeks.
i'm on my knees begging the universe to give him the seasonal job.
the one starting in august and goes until the end of dec.
they LOVED him there last year so here's hoping they will again.

our cable tv has officially been cut off, and our internet bumped up to 95GB/mo.
saves us like $60 a month overall. we'll just stream everything.

xo

man oh man

what a long and painfully stressful day.

we've been stressing out hard about money
and his parents were being hesitant about helping us.
we desperately need the help until my disab. payments kick in.

his phone has been shut off for awhile.
the cable bill is pretty high.
strangely the mobile internet stick was really low.

we canceled our cable, got our internet package jacked up tp 95GB/mo.
so no we can stream everything & save $50 a month. totally worth it.

we broke down and bought some pot..
needed it after all the stress and crying.
poor boy is worn out. i am too, truthfully.

sweet distractions..

i made a graphics thread on PT.
so if any of you lovely ladies would like free graphics.. i'm your gal.
i can make signatures, banners, profile graphics, avatars, anything at all!
these little things can spruce up your profile and posts. :D
i use adobe cs2 so they're professional looking, not some crappy online glitter/banner maker, i do everything from scratch. :)

if you're interested just fill out this form and comment with it or PM me.

Username/Link to your profile:
What sort of graphics would you like? (profile, signatures, etc.)
Images you want used in the graphics:
Any text you'd like on the graphics:
Colour Scheme:

using this as a distraction until all of my beads/jewelry stuff arrive.

thanks! :)

for fuck's sake

prepare for a rant.

so jason's parents are rich, very rich. they make 500k a year.
they used to help us when we needed it, paying our bills, buying us food, etc.
today we call and ask for help FOR THE LAST TIME and we get 'maybe'.
apparently we'll find out tomorrow.
if they decided to screw us then jason's credit will be fucked.
all of our services (tv/internet/cellphones) are in his name.
and if we can't pay we get sent to collections.

so these rich cunts won't help us and we're pretty fucked.
his mom said she'll talk with his dad tomorrow.
i'm almost positive it's going to be a no.

we have no money for anything, we're miserable and sober.

times like these make me want to down all my seroquel and just fucking end it.
this life i live has always been awful, i've never had a break.
poverty and stress for twenty-three years.

just strike me down now, this is unfair.

yay! i love ebay.

i bought 250 silver dragonfly charms,
330 silver star charms & a bunch of red crystal beads.
all for under $10 total, all free shipping.
hooray for cheap items.

i need to buy a shitload of little glass beads though.
tiny red ones, blue ones, green ones.
stuff to keep me going creatively.

bracelets

if any of you ladies would like an ana/mia/ednos bracelet..
drop me a comment!
i don't do much since my knee is fucked.
bracelet making helps to pass the time when you're tired of the internet.

on the busted up knee note-- its fucking excruciating.
even doped up on ibuprofen, agony to even move the leg.
what the hell is wrong with me..

exactly two weeks until we can get food or money.
it's going to be rough as all fuck..
using smoking patches cause i can't afford smokes.
(leftover ones from when i tried to quit before)

thankfully the cats have food and litter,
jason has food to eat,
and only his cell has been cut off.
mine still works for now..
same with the tv and internet.

my life is a perpetual waiting game.

a little better

mom told me to take 1200mg of ibuprofen every four hours.
so i went out and bought a bottle of fifty 400mg liquid gels.
soon i'll have no pain at all. i can't wait.

i also bought some more make-up.
just matte shine-stopping stuff, it is summer after all.
i love that our local shopper's has a grocery section.
get to buy make-up on sale and get groceries all at the same time.

bought a pizza for the fiancee.

fastfastfast for me.
he thinks i'm doing it for the health benefits.
like clearing out the toxins and stuff.
he's not exactly bright enough to associate it with my ed.
especially if i explain it in a way that avoids my ed entirely, lol.

definitely arthritis

it hurts so bad i wanna cry.
i don't want to bitch too much irl but god damn it..
i've never been in so much pain.
laying down, being idle, sitting with my leg up, ALL OF IT hurts.
its like hot spears being hammered into my joints at all times.

i'm trying to be strong, but this is agony.
i asked my mom if arthritis hurts all the time and she said yes.
she'd know, she's got it everywhere.
started feeling the pains at 11 she did.

i can't type through these tears.

xo

generic day

i got up early to head to the causeway.
met my job counselor/coordinator, jon horler.
filled out some forms about what sort of work i'd want.
but considering i get disability payments in two months..
it's kinda pointless to even job hunt.

haven't eaten fuck all today.
day two of my liquid fast.

been wondering a lot lately why i have NO sex drive at all.
no libido, no sexual thoughts, nothing.
my poor fiancee doesn't get it and wants sex all the time.
i tell him i don't feel sexy ever and he just goes 'but you are!'
words don't help, dollface. you gotta make me feel sexy.

pouting and asking for sex will not get you laid.

xo

thanks dad

my father has a girlfriend in europe.
she's going to be sending me illegal diet pills.
ones that are illegal here anyways.
they're like $10 for a bottle of 50. not bad at all.

scratch that

no IMAX tomorrow. i've got a meeting with my job co-ordinator.
i need some work for the summer while i wait.
the disability people said it'd take until sept/oct to get payments.

my knee still hurts something fierce.
i hate having to use a cane to go up and down stairs.
i feel retarded because i'm so young.

bleh.

silly me

here i was making a livejournal when i had this blog all along.
don't do drugs, kids, lmao. your memory will be shot.

it's too hot outside to do much and we don't have AC.
pretty lethargic around here today.
going to be making dinner for my fiancee.
i hate doing that because it makes me hungry but the idiot needs to eat, LOL
i'm like a mom replacement for him. love him to death though.

tomorrow we're going to the huge IMAX theatre in quebec.
they're doing a 'hubble 3D' show and i've GOT to see it.
i'm a huge spaceophile, lol.
can't wait! seeing the vast infinite universe on a surround your head screen..
AND in 3D.. /end super excitement