ah well

we went and watched saw 3D. wasn't bad.
dad of course stuffing his face with theatre food.
me with my bottle of dasani.

now my fiance is ordering a pizza.
the world is out to get me today.

i haven't eaten anything in three days.

i have ten red bracelets to make for people. i'm going to go get some stuff at the dollar store to make the packaging cuter. i like making free bracelets. usually costs me around $15 to make *and* mail 10 bracelets, which isn't bad really.

i like making people smile. everyone loves mail.

happy & sad sigh

i've spend the night pretending i'm someone i'm not. roleplaying on furcadia. it's been years and years since i roleplayed. a nice way to forget about how much i hate myself and my struggles, to pretend to be a beautiful creature in a fantasy world.. its just amazing. i missed it, that's for sure.

haven't eaten anything today. might change soon. i'm going to give the ABC a go tomorrow. i keep trying and failing hard, but this time i'm determined. no matter how lazy i feel i *will* workout tomorrow, i *will* eat 500cals or less. i *will* do this every single day until i emerge from this chrysalis a beautiful, stunning butterfly. i'm tired of being this fat nasty caterpillar.

two more days until payday. fuck i need money. i'm so tired of running out of pot and then popping pills everyday to get a buzz so i can handle my sad, lonely life. i wish i had friends, someone to hang out with. instead its just me and the internet every single day while he works. i'm so lonely.

blehhh grody.

my mouth tastes and smells like a trash bin, lol. should go brush them.

spent half the morning cleaning up the apartment, gotta do the dishes now before jason gets off work. i love our little apartment.

OH! we found a brand new entertainment unit in the trash! not a single scratch on it, great shape. our living room finally looks like a living room. very happy about this.

someone on furcadia is willing to give me a LIFE item for a silly name. a name i made up randomly.. i can't wait to see what item the person will give me. i don't care what it is.. a life item never expires, saves me money!

not much else to say. xxoo

not a bad past few days

been pretty busy the past couple days. my mom's ex husband came by with my stuff from storage. a lot of things I haven't seen in ten years. my gameboy pocket, pocket pikachu, my furby, my gameboy cartridge of pokemon red with all 151 pokemon (gameshark'd the mew).

he gave me some money and invited me to come out to the farm in the spring! his boyfriend owns and runs a big farm. they brought us fresh meat and eggs! how neat! he says if i come in the spring i'll see the lambs being born. its apparently really beautiful.

i went out and got my 3lb hand-weights! they're cute.

all i have to do now is make my bedroom workout central and get crackin'. hopefully my results will be more noticeable after an hour of cardio a day. i'm pumped and ready, hehe.

meh just a day

day one of ABC went smoothly. went for a bunch of walks (to get pot). i went a tad over my 500cals but i think i walked it off. now i'm just watching drama on PT. waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in.

i made a secret, locked online diary to track my progress. it has explicit pictures so i made sure it was password protected. so i can see my progress EVERYWHERE. its nice to have a place to rant at myself, lol.

living off rice is pretty easy.

a bowl a day keeps hunger at bay. 8V

so..

since that post on PT yesterday about the girl who finished ABC.. a ton of people are starting that diet now. i am too, lol. why not~ its not much different from my regime. everyone assumed that it didn't work before because no one could finish. but now.. we're all in boot camp! :D

i'm stoned and enjoying cartoons. you might enjoy this too, it's an episode of american dad. the one where stan develops anorexia. its pretty funny.

here's the direct link to the episode, loads fast. :)
http://www.megavideo.com/?d=AT31ZSPE

xoxo

tired of no structure

STARTING ABC TOMORROW.
FUCK THIS SHIT.

xxoo

whew, over and done

thanksgiving is over now, thank goodness.
i had some white meat, potatoes, corn and a bit of thin gravy.
so i don't think the meal counts as a binge.
considering i had so little.
i was expecting to binge til i passed out, lol.

my grandparents called today.
i talked to my pop for the first time in years.
the conversation ended with us all crying and saying bye.
i HAVE to get back to visit before.. before anything happens to them.
they're quite old. love them a lot.

now i am bored and sober.
just gotta kill time until tomorrow afternoon/evening.
PT here i come.

no river too wide..

.. sing out this song and i will be there by your side!

i spent some time this morning singing, crying, feeling better.
i actually got higher from singing than from hitting the bong.
IS THAT HOW YOU CRAZY SOBER PEOPLE DO IT?
find the kind of high you do not have to pay for.
that is the high i want.
wish i was not addicted to pot.

and right now on tv there is a kid version of True Blood..
no joke. a bunch of little kids, one is a vampire.
even using the same rules that true blood has..
so lame! i do not even know why i am watching it.

have not eaten anything today except for a chocolate bar.
i had to eat it, he went out of his way to get it.
first treat in days and days.

i cannot wait til i can afford my own pair of fangs.
i might get a smith to custom make them for me.
or just order from www.vampfangs.com hehe.

xxoo

i'm the crazy one? ME?

they don't understand and they won't ever
you can talk all you want but words are just words
they don't want us to die, they can't see how its worth it
i'm sure if i wasn't FUCKED in the HEAD i'd agree with them
but alas they seem to be the crazy ones to me
the ones forcing pills down my throat, the ones watching me like a hawk
do you really have to control me this way?
mental disorder, check. physical disorder, check.
is there anything even remotely right with me?
probably not and the thought makes me laugh pretty hard
three meals a day sounds like a death sentence
i want to grab a megaphone and scream from the trees
YOU'RE THE INSANE ONES, EAT, EAT AND EAT
laughing, cackling, fuck you oh sane ones
i know i'm doing what's right
right by me
isn't that what matters?
doesn't what I FEEL matter? no? right, i forgot about that part.
upturned noses, holier than thou, bitch i'd eat if i could
just get fat, honeychile. eat and eat, you'll be one of them
a pig, a consumer whore, asphyxiating from layers of fat
in the end you're nothing anyways.
a bag of fat, a bag of bones, either way you're nasty

don't you just love inner dialogue?

just fuck off for awhile. give me peace, give me silence.
STOP SCREAMING 'STARVE YOU FAT BITCH' i can't take it any longer.

fuck you brain

oh my what a day.

i got up early in anticipation of going to the gym.
after two hours of trying to convince myself it'll all be okay..
i had a mild panic attack, couldn't leave the apartment.
took a handful of diet pills,
now i'm eating laughing cow cheese & beef jerky.

i need $50 to get to go visit my family doctor again.
'cause i canceled appointments and its $25 per canceled appointment.
i don't have $50 damn it and i need a referral to a psychiatrist.
my meds run out in eight months. waiting lists can be that long.
just something else to fret over. i fret a lot.
i hope i don't have to be admitted to a psych ward.
i'm terrified of being alone, sleeping alone, its like a phobia.

i just need to breathe in and out, nice and slow.
i've got a big bag of pot and i'm safe in my apartment.
going to watch a jake gyllenhaal marathon.
i own all of his movies and he gives me chick wood. ;D

hugs and love,
ruka

whining ahead..

i just feel like a big pouting child.
i had applied for a krawk on neopets and didn't even get in the final three.
i've wanted one of these since they came out..
i put so much work into the application.
i can't restock or resell so i can't make much money there.
its like this unattainable dream.
fuck i want one bad.