awesome.

the food bank delivered this morning.
brought us two big paper bags and a box full of food.
i don't like most of it but it keeps jason happy.

healing more and more each day.
i can't believe hair dye fucked my head up so much.
my ears stopped leaking blood plasma and my neck and face are starting to clear up.
i can finally sleep without towels and bandages.

my friend jamie might be coming today.
i haven't seen her in awhile, so it'd be nice.

i also have a twitter account now.
follow RainyMcKee if you want. :)

huh.

i haven't blogged in a long time.
a lot has happened in the past few months.

- jason has been unemployed since november.
- i quit smoking pot and went into a rehab program.
- had an allergic reaction to hair dye, painful two weeks.
- started smoking pot again due to painful reaction stated above.
- jason might have a new job soon.
- went to see lady gaga in concert last night, had a blast.
- going to quit smoking pot again in a day or two.

i'm totally broke and panicking about it.
i don't have enough money to buy smokes for this whole month..
a food bank should be delivering food in a few days.

frustrated as all fuck.

fuck me.

i feel like a bag of shit. i keep looking at old pictures of myself, wondering where that pretty, skinny girl went. how she could possibly have turned into this. i can't believe i let myself go this badly.. i'm so scared to go out in public..

going to dad's today to get some percocet. i have no money for pot so at least they give me a mild buzz to make it through the days. five days til we get money. i hate the week before payday. we're always fucked. one week of happiness, one week of being broke and miserable.

hopefully things will change when i quit pot at the end of the month. we should have hundreds of dollars more each cheque..

how do sober people live? i'll soon learn.

que cera cera

i've been writing a lot more in a tangible diary. it fits into my purse so i just scribble in it when i'm out.

the days are creeping by, haunting me. i hear my watch ticking and it sounds like the world is ending. jason called me crazy. he said he was joking but it kinda hurt. only because i'm starting to feel crazy..

at the end of the month i'm buying a digital scale.

the women's rehab centre whose waiting list i've been on 7 months finally contacted me, i'll be having an appointment with them within the month they said. so i can finally quit smoking pot. i'll go there, then NA meetings, and hit the gym.. i need to fix me because i'm so, so broken.

ah well

we went and watched saw 3D. wasn't bad.
dad of course stuffing his face with theatre food.
me with my bottle of dasani.

now my fiance is ordering a pizza.
the world is out to get me today.

i haven't eaten anything in three days.

i have ten red bracelets to make for people. i'm going to go get some stuff at the dollar store to make the packaging cuter. i like making free bracelets. usually costs me around $15 to make *and* mail 10 bracelets, which isn't bad really.

i like making people smile. everyone loves mail.