i'm so mad

sitting at home, enraged.
jason decided to sneak out to a party while i was napping.
initially i said i didn't want to go but i changed my mind after the nap.
now he's all 'come out! i can direct you!'
fuck that noise.

he didn't care enough to wake me and ask me before he left.
i've never been so mad at him.

bracelet time~*~

all of my supplies from china have arrived.
i'm going to spend the day making bracelets.
i'll post pictures of the finished product later on.

my knee still hurts bad.
no painkillers left so i'm just suffering through.
got my perscrip refilled, thank god.
now i have two weeks worth of my calm down pills.

my friend is coming over later.
she's got some pot and is gonna pick up money from me.
i'll have a carton of 200 native cigarettes for $20 by tomorrow.
another relief.. not having to spend $6 every day.

generic day

i went to the causeway today.
got some job openings to apply to.
all places looking for permanent part-time.
exactly what i want.

jason also landed two shifts a week, every week, at shoppers.
we believe he'll be paid more on these shifts.
he did some shoppers work before, always $12/hr.
just enough hours/money for us to survive.

still waiting on my dragonfly charms so i can make bracelets.
i'll post pictures of them.
any followers of this blog can have a free one. :)

xo

it never ends

jason went to the place he worked seasonally last year.
turns out they weren't hiring next month, they're hiring in september.
so we're once again fucked financially.
mom just sent me $50 so i can get cat food/litter and bus fare.
dad is buying me carton of native cigarettes at the end of the month.

been hanging out with this awesome chick, her name is manon.
she's like my height, my stats, wants to lose weight.
an irl buddy is always cool. though i don't think she has an ed.
just wants motivation and i'm great at that!

going to see my job coordinator tomorrow.
maybe he can find me work until jason gets that seasonal job.
my knee still aches day and night, though.

i wish for a single moment's peace..

arghhh

i'm about ready to just saw my leg off.
this knee pain is driving me batshit crazy.
even doped up on morphine i feel every ache.
feels like a hot poker being slammed into the sides of my knee.
all. the. time. in use or not.

really, really into my dexter books.
they're SO DIFFERENT from the show its mind boggling.
main character dead in the first book that still exists in season 5.
i'm just flying through the books. finishing one in a day or two.

still no beads or charms or anything.
can't wait for it to arrive so i can make you ladies free bracelets.
i'll post examples and stuff when i have my product. :)
you can also donate a buck or two to help the cause.
$2 would cover the beads, thread, charms and clasps.
but i'm not expecting or asking, just saying if you'd like to, you can.

off to bed. the timestamps on these entries are never accurate.
it's nearly 3am, lol.

xo

i suppose a doctor is in order

my knee just won't stop hurting.
it hurts when i'm sleeping, hurts when i'm inactive, hurts always.
i can't keep eating as much ibuprofen as i am.
i'll fuck my liver up hard.
i can't exercise and its driving me mad.
i'll have to make an appointment with my family doctor.

dad said he'd share his morphine with me, though
i'd rather be itchy than in agony.
plus i'd get a couple nice buzzes too.

still nothing from china.
working on a cute little notebook.
going to make it adorable and inspirational.

xo

boring fucking day

didn't do anything today.
waiting for my stuff to arrive from china.
ate food i wish i hadn't.
feeling nauseous and it makes me wanna puke.
i don't puke. this sucks.

i love you crystal light pink lemonade packets.

bitch warning

holeee fuck did i ever have to wait a long time for pot.
i contacted him around 5pm.. its now thirty-past midnight.
my poor fiancee is bussing all over the place to find me some.
(he tends to offer to do things that would INFURIATE me if i had to do them)

i'm out of my calm down pills.
ten days to go without them.

status of our rent: still uncertain
status of eviction: still uncertain

one thing i do know for certain..

I OWN YOU, FOOD. YOU ARE MY BITCH. I AINT EATING FUCK ALL. I WIN.
ahem.

mm delicious

i'm not a tea fan myself but everyone says to drink green tea.
so i found a way to make it taste amazing.

boil the tea as usual, let it steep.
pour it over ice, add more ice.
a few splashes of skim milk. add some honey.
and a capful of sugar free/calorie free vanilla syrup from starbucks.
the huge bottle of syrup was like $15.

sixteen out of twenty of my eBay items were shipped.
i'm getting thousands of beads. half swarovski crystal beads.
i can't wait to open up my eBay bracelet shop.
i'll be making country pride, gay pride, ana/mia, all sorts of bracelets.
all like $2 each.

now i just have to wait for it to all arrive from china.

suck it

i'm going to sit here and get stoned all day.
my knee still aches, come on ibuprofen.
fuck if i didn't have pot i'd go batshit crazy.

jason is working 6pm-12am tonight and tomorrow.
$16/hr and hopefully the last work he'll have with the security job.
they haven't give him shifts in nearly three weeks.
i'm on my knees begging the universe to give him the seasonal job.
the one starting in august and goes until the end of dec.
they LOVED him there last year so here's hoping they will again.

our cable tv has officially been cut off, and our internet bumped up to 95GB/mo.
saves us like $60 a month overall. we'll just stream everything.

xo

man oh man

what a long and painfully stressful day.

we've been stressing out hard about money
and his parents were being hesitant about helping us.
we desperately need the help until my disab. payments kick in.

his phone has been shut off for awhile.
the cable bill is pretty high.
strangely the mobile internet stick was really low.

we canceled our cable, got our internet package jacked up tp 95GB/mo.
so no we can stream everything & save $50 a month. totally worth it.

we broke down and bought some pot..
needed it after all the stress and crying.
poor boy is worn out. i am too, truthfully.

sweet distractions..

i made a graphics thread on PT.
so if any of you lovely ladies would like free graphics.. i'm your gal.
i can make signatures, banners, profile graphics, avatars, anything at all!
these little things can spruce up your profile and posts. :D
i use adobe cs2 so they're professional looking, not some crappy online glitter/banner maker, i do everything from scratch. :)

if you're interested just fill out this form and comment with it or PM me.

Username/Link to your profile:
What sort of graphics would you like? (profile, signatures, etc.)
Images you want used in the graphics:
Any text you'd like on the graphics:
Colour Scheme:

using this as a distraction until all of my beads/jewelry stuff arrive.

thanks! :)

for fuck's sake

prepare for a rant.

so jason's parents are rich, very rich. they make 500k a year.
they used to help us when we needed it, paying our bills, buying us food, etc.
today we call and ask for help FOR THE LAST TIME and we get 'maybe'.
apparently we'll find out tomorrow.
if they decided to screw us then jason's credit will be fucked.
all of our services (tv/internet/cellphones) are in his name.
and if we can't pay we get sent to collections.

so these rich cunts won't help us and we're pretty fucked.
his mom said she'll talk with his dad tomorrow.
i'm almost positive it's going to be a no.

we have no money for anything, we're miserable and sober.

times like these make me want to down all my seroquel and just fucking end it.
this life i live has always been awful, i've never had a break.
poverty and stress for twenty-three years.

just strike me down now, this is unfair.

yay! i love ebay.

i bought 250 silver dragonfly charms,
330 silver star charms & a bunch of red crystal beads.
all for under $10 total, all free shipping.
hooray for cheap items.

i need to buy a shitload of little glass beads though.
tiny red ones, blue ones, green ones.
stuff to keep me going creatively.

bracelets

if any of you ladies would like an ana/mia/ednos bracelet..
drop me a comment!
i don't do much since my knee is fucked.
bracelet making helps to pass the time when you're tired of the internet.

on the busted up knee note-- its fucking excruciating.
even doped up on ibuprofen, agony to even move the leg.
what the hell is wrong with me..

exactly two weeks until we can get food or money.
it's going to be rough as all fuck..
using smoking patches cause i can't afford smokes.
(leftover ones from when i tried to quit before)

thankfully the cats have food and litter,
jason has food to eat,
and only his cell has been cut off.
mine still works for now..
same with the tv and internet.

my life is a perpetual waiting game.

a little better

mom told me to take 1200mg of ibuprofen every four hours.
so i went out and bought a bottle of fifty 400mg liquid gels.
soon i'll have no pain at all. i can't wait.

i also bought some more make-up.
just matte shine-stopping stuff, it is summer after all.
i love that our local shopper's has a grocery section.
get to buy make-up on sale and get groceries all at the same time.

bought a pizza for the fiancee.

fastfastfast for me.
he thinks i'm doing it for the health benefits.
like clearing out the toxins and stuff.
he's not exactly bright enough to associate it with my ed.
especially if i explain it in a way that avoids my ed entirely, lol.

definitely arthritis

it hurts so bad i wanna cry.
i don't want to bitch too much irl but god damn it..
i've never been in so much pain.
laying down, being idle, sitting with my leg up, ALL OF IT hurts.
its like hot spears being hammered into my joints at all times.

i'm trying to be strong, but this is agony.
i asked my mom if arthritis hurts all the time and she said yes.
she'd know, she's got it everywhere.
started feeling the pains at 11 she did.

i can't type through these tears.

xo

generic day

i got up early to head to the causeway.
met my job counselor/coordinator, jon horler.
filled out some forms about what sort of work i'd want.
but considering i get disability payments in two months..
it's kinda pointless to even job hunt.

haven't eaten fuck all today.
day two of my liquid fast.

been wondering a lot lately why i have NO sex drive at all.
no libido, no sexual thoughts, nothing.
my poor fiancee doesn't get it and wants sex all the time.
i tell him i don't feel sexy ever and he just goes 'but you are!'
words don't help, dollface. you gotta make me feel sexy.

pouting and asking for sex will not get you laid.

xo

thanks dad

my father has a girlfriend in europe.
she's going to be sending me illegal diet pills.
ones that are illegal here anyways.
they're like $10 for a bottle of 50. not bad at all.

scratch that

no IMAX tomorrow. i've got a meeting with my job co-ordinator.
i need some work for the summer while i wait.
the disability people said it'd take until sept/oct to get payments.

my knee still hurts something fierce.
i hate having to use a cane to go up and down stairs.
i feel retarded because i'm so young.

bleh.

silly me

here i was making a livejournal when i had this blog all along.
don't do drugs, kids, lmao. your memory will be shot.

it's too hot outside to do much and we don't have AC.
pretty lethargic around here today.
going to be making dinner for my fiancee.
i hate doing that because it makes me hungry but the idiot needs to eat, LOL
i'm like a mom replacement for him. love him to death though.

tomorrow we're going to the huge IMAX theatre in quebec.
they're doing a 'hubble 3D' show and i've GOT to see it.
i'm a huge spaceophile, lol.
can't wait! seeing the vast infinite universe on a surround your head screen..
AND in 3D.. /end super excitement