break me, i'm broken

i'm trapped and i'm fat
fat and trapped
every single inch of me
weighed down with this and that
its hopeless i'm helpless
but i know i'm not
i just want to breathe
i remember what it was like to be perfect
skinny, lusted after, a prize to be won
now? now i'm nothing
i can't concentrate
dizzy i'm dizzy and everything spins
blackouts whiteouts who the fuck cares
i'm dying and it sucks
where did you go little girl?
oh little one who was abused by every creature you met
you're ruined and broken
i'm sorry i couldn't save you
i'm sorry you turned into this monster
god if i could just go back
just for a few minutes

but now i'm falling, falling
an endless abyss of self loathing
choked by my own fear
i want out.

the rain just goes on and on

tucked away in our little apartment
safe from the elements that would surely kill us
i feel this romantic veil shroud my vision
the patter of the rain on the leaves
cars zooming through the water, laughing pedestrians
a surreal yellow-red sky blankets our home
feeling the breeze from my bedroom window
nostrils flaring, inhaling the night
curling up in my bed, a nest of fleece
god is in his heaven and all is right in my world

mmmm eric..

i love watching true blood over and over again.
so exciting, so much fun.
this time around i am in love with eric.
which is unusual-- i am not attracted to blue eyes or blondes.
but he's a beautiful viking. *3*

still eagerly awaiting the depart of summer.
i am going to start hitting the gym on the 1st.
i get my cheap bus pass starting in october.
time to start exercising and restricting even harder.
i have 11 months or so to drop.. an amount i dare not mention.
the number is so high that it makes me sad.

jason gets off work in half an hour.
we're going to eat the rest of the shrooms i keep hoarding.
they are not very strong so we will just have the giggles.
that is just as fun, do not get me wrong.
i just prefer the losing-my-mind sort of high.

oy oy

i got my bento kit! yaaay. :D
can't wait til the end of the month so i can hit the asian market.
lots of food supplies i need for japanese cuisine.
i can't wait to start making cute food. :D
there are still a few things i need to buy off ebay.
sausage/cheese cutters, nori stamps, rubber cups for the food.

jason is working 4-12 tonight.
so i've got eight hours to kill.
i also have a bag of shrooms.. tempting. >83
might gobble them up and watch a psychedelic video.
i wonder how many calories are in them..

the tattoo i got a few months ago is fading already.
the tiny lines are starting to vanish.
pisses me off but what do you expect for the price..
it was a pretty seedy little shop, lol.
should get a pro to fix it up.

i'm bored to death. time to lurk PT.

xxoo

come on wednesday

i'm waiting on my appt with my old social worker.
she's gonna be my guarantor for my community bus pass,
since i don't have any valid ID anymore.
really nice of her to do that.
then I AM MOBILE.
no more sitting in this apartment all day.
alone and bored.

i'm out of lorazepam and its only the 13th.
can't get any more until the 29th.
ffffffsssssss.

i have laundry to do today.
and a ton of dishes.

xxoo

and it has begun..

my disability money came.
starting the end of this month i'll be getting $1070/month.
that's more than my poor fiancee makes working five days a week.
but now i can get the cheap 'community' bus pass.
and hit the gym everyday!
so tired of sitting around like a lump.

we bought groceries. i picked up..
- 35cal yogurts
- dainty rice x4
- bag of oranges
- hamburger meat, steaks, pork chops
- crystal light & sprite zero

my bento kit should arrive in the next two weeks.
very excited. it'll be like christmas.

life is finally starting to get better.
we're not fighting or miserable anymore.
its quite relaxing.

xxoo